Today I had some bad news about one of my favorite aunts. She is one of the few people who I am related to who I can honestly say is MINE - someone I would pick even if you could pick your family. She was always strong- the glue that held her family together and now she's fragile and broken and her family, who I care deeply about is hurting and there's nothing I can do.
I feel restless. I feel that urge I sometimes get to have a drink, shop beyond my means, eat and eat. I can't make this go away and I can't make my aunt better and burying my feelings in drinking, or shopping euphoria or food won't help. I have to ride out this restlessness like a junkie rides out the withdrawl symptoms. It's ok to feel sad about this and a little displaced because someone who I've always considered strong is not so strong anymore. It's ok to worry about mental health and well-being and to question what sane really is.
Why do I have this burning desire to be anywhere but here? I love my new apartment. It's ok to sit here in the blustery wind and to face this. To blog about it. To start accepting it.
I do not need something to eat.
I do not need a drink.
I don't need to leave my apartment- to escape away. I'm fine here.
I do not need to buy anything because nothing I can buy can fix the situation.
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