If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth

I haven't talked to my Dad in 2 years and last week he posted a facebook post on his wall (which I surreptitiously read) after he went to visit my Mom. He posted that my Mom was one of the kindest, most loving human beings he knows (which I'd agree with) and that my sister was radiant (which I'd also agree with) and that Ethan is a good guy who puts up with my sister's shit and that my brother hugged him and told him he loved him and he believed him. I had such a hard time with his post and I cried even though I thought I had come to peace with my decision not to talk to him again. This brought up so many mixed feelings in me: anger, hurt, confusion, and even some regret. I read a post (I'm not sure where now unfortunately so I can't properly cite it) that said:

Even very toxic parent-child relationships are painful to lose, in large part because cutting off the relationship cuts off the hope (however faint) that someday you will get the love you want from your parents.

and it rang so true. I think the problem is, I want something from my Dad that he can't give. That's just not in him. He never wanted to be a parent. He never wanted me and that's hard to acknowledge. Yet, it is so hard to release that expectation that your parent care for you. I'm trying to sort out why his post affected me so strongly and I think I can divide it into 3 separate catagories:

• I want him to care for me. I want him to feel sad that I don't talk to him. I want him to miss me enough that he extends the olive branch to me. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to accept it but I wish it was there... This was not an easy decision for me and it still hurts. I want it to hurt him too. I don't want to be the only one who cared enough to get hurt. I don't want to be unloveable.
• I want him to change and wanting another person to change is like wanting the Earth to spin retroactively. Good Luck. I want a father, not a friend because friends are too easy to say goodbye to and that absolves him of responsibility for my happiness. I want stability. I want the same parent all the time. Because with my Dad- when things were good they were really good and when they were bad they were really bad. I want to be free to have my own thoughts and to be able to be a partner in the relationship. I want to set boundaries and have that be ok. And I don't want to talk to him drunk. I don't ever want to make him another gin and tonic- ever. The worst times in our relationship have been when he's been drunk. The problem is he's an alcoholic and how do you have a relationship with an alcoholic? I don't think you can ever be cured and I don't think you can ever drink in moderation if you're an alcoholic. The thirst will always be there- the need for oblivion. For a slightly blurred and dull existence. I'm not going to lie- I've felt the pull. It's there in my genes. He was always afraid of being hurt and if you hurt him, even accidentally, he would wound back a thousand times over. He cut me out because it was so much easier than feeling pain and it fulfilled the prophecy he claimed. He told me once, I would come to be angry with him for not being there when I was younger and I didn't- I truly didn't. I loved my grandparents and had a mostly happy childhood after my stepdad left. But he pushed me away enough times, rejected me enough times that eventually I did get angry. I think he was so afraid of me rejecting him that he pushed me until I did walk away. But the thing is I can only change myself and my expectations, I can't change him.
• I don't want to be childish and petty. I think wanting someone to hurt because you are is petty and is at odds with living in peace. I'm uncomfortable with feeling angry and bitter because I don't want to be an angry and bitter person but I feel like all these feelings are locked inside of me over this. I feel angry with him over forcing me to walk away and I know he'd say he didn't make me do anything, that it was my own decision to walk away but that's not right. If you push someone away enough times, eventually they'll go. Is being an adult about letting go of this? Is being an adult about forgiving? The problem is, trust is so easy to lose and so hard to regrow. And I'm afraid. I don't want to be hurt again but isn't that unwillingness to risk hurt, exactly what I criticize in him?

Why do I think this post belongs here? Because I want this blog to be about truth. Because feeling guilt and anger pushes the "hungry" button in me. Quick! Bury the feelings under a mountain of sugar and fat. Feel that blissful numbness from overeating. Alcohol isn't my drug but food is. 

And my dad taught me how to cook in many of those really good times. Even now, when I think of him, I think of him in the kitchen. He opened up the world of freshness for me. He cooked with fresh ingredients and real butter and made food that was far better than any fast food. Some of our best times were in the kitchen and I make a mean sous-chef. That's where the sad comes in because I miss those times. I'm a part of him and he's a part of me even if we don't talk and that, too, is hard to acknowledge.